Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell
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i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6