Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
You Might Also Like
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
Me after 1 airport cocktail:
Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
I’m tired tomorrow.
3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
[walking in on boyfriend]
me: oh god
him: it’s not what it looks like!
me: how could you do this to me?!
him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way
me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore