Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
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Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
Room with a view.
[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!