Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
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How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
Wife: we argue a lot about money
Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-
Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”
paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
So many pants.
So little yoga.
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*