Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
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[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom
My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
When I can’t barge, I careen.
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
*watching tv
Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio
The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
Dance like you’re not the father
All is fair in drunk and war.