Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
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Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
No weirdos
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.