wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
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[funeral home]
DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.
disney ceo: live action little mermaid
animator: yep
ceo: it’s in the ocean
animator: got it
ceo: coral reefs
animator: understood
ceo: lots of fish
animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!