You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
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Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk
Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.