I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
You Might Also Like
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!
Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise