Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
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I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
work smarter, not harder
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”