Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
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About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan
I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.
Are wings and mini tacos okay?
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
¯_(ツ)_/¯
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl