Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I quote Harry Potter too much?
Wife: no, it’s because you get way too excited when I do the laundry.
Me: master has presented Dobby with clothes!
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A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
[apiary]
ME: Are you the beekeeper?
BEEKEEPER: Yup
ME: Can I get some?
BEEKEEPER: Nope
ME: Is it because you k—
BEEKEEPER: I keep them
first you must answer his riddles
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.