Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.
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technically true but not a great slogan
A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
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He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse
Once again not all heroes wear capes
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great