Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
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Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
Sixteen years and 200+ million users ago, we could not have imagined ourselves here. Today, Vimeo is a public company. Thank you to everyone who helped us reach this point. We can鈥檛 wait to take Vimeo into the future. #VMEO
[blind date]
Her: Where鈥檚 your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
it鈥檚 either covid or clever vampires
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
So creative 馃槀
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don鈥檛 care if you don鈥檛 feel it, you need to try.
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can鈥檛 stop thinking about it.
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
what’s more important?
Accurate
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*