wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
You Might Also Like
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
ME: And this is my daughter.
HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?
ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
Follow me for more life hacks.
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
me after eating Cheetos
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.