Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
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My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.
Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day