Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
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Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.