May have had one breakfast too many
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Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.