I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
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They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
PLEASE READ
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once
Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one
Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
my sentiments exactly
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character