wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
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The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
horrifying if literal: the electric slide
Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.