wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
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Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.
Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
cause of death:
autopsy.
If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
I feel this so hard
Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.