WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.
WIFES FRIEND: Why?
[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]
ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.
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Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain
That took me a moment.
H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting