WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.
WIFES FRIEND: Why?
[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]
ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.
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[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over.
But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.
Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.
If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.