Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
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Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”
[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
I’m tired tomorrow.
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.