WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
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*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
😍😂🥰😂😍