Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
You Might Also Like
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.