[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}
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I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
What if all the cashiers are married?
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
no refunds
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
kids play hide and seek like
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.