Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
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Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]
My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
*phone rings*
Girlfriend: Hello.
Me: Hi, baby.
GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!
M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.
GF: No, you told me.
M:
GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?
M: Are they available?
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
philosophical skeletons be like
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?