Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
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just gave your address to some spiders
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat
If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib
If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.
But nope, it was just me getting ready.
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.