A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you’re a cringe idiot. I mean, it’s not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.
You Might Also Like
You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
LOAN OFFICER: Sign here…
ME: *signs*
LO: And, here.
ME: *signs*
LO: Down payment, please.
ME: Here you go.
LO: You want road hazard insurance?
ME: Yes, please.
LO: Sign here.
ME: *signs* Is that it?
LO: Yes, the barista will call your name when the order’s ready.
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.