Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
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I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
u guys got any snacks onboard here
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something