@Fredzipfel: Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It's not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
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@XplodingUnicorn: I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I've just been poisoned
@GlennyRodge: Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot. Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold. Baby bear: aren't we supposed to eat fish?
@Steven37366100: HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently. Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd