@Fredzipfel: Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It's not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
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@Brampersandon_: [Infomercial] HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!? AUDIENCE: Yes! HOST: Here's how! *rips off his own arm*
@WilliamAder: Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I'm going to need those back.
@Sophie2078: Auto correct changed naughty with nausea and it was the best decision i ever made in this relationship.
@gingerfaced: What do you mean you were really drunk? I already changed my Facebook relationship status for you.