@Fredzipfel: Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It's not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
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@NYC_Blonde: Me: One large buttery popcorn please! Him: Ma'am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies... Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
@joeyfullystated: Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I'm sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.