“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
You Might Also Like
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
[farm]
SON: *crying*
ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them
SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!
ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him
WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?