wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
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My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”
15: “ya”
Me: “What colour’d you use?”
15: “I used orange.”
Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”
– mac n cheese has it’s own language.
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot