wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
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*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
[8 AM]
Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?
I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
Alexa: *deep breath*
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!
*looks at wife, wife shakes her head
Me: I’m not allowed
*kicks dirt
“just sayin” who asked you though?
Things I learned today:
1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch
After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.