WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
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[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
I bet birds love this building.
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post