Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
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I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
I pray every night that I never become religious…
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir