WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks
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Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
Monica just destroyed the internet
u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymoreAnyone else notice this?
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///