WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
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I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot
to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game