Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
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Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin
Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
Unsolicited sandwich pics.
*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China
Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other
Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
[first date]
Him: I love Asian girls
Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eyeHim: No, not like that
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?