I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
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a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.