And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
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How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
Why are top brands getting more attention while your unique, innovative ideas stay underrated? Here is some #ThursdayAdwisdom. The truth is that you may be missing out on one of the most fundamental rules of selling – grabbing consumer’s interest. #digitalmarketing
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
I have a type: disappointing
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory