Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!
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HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
I do not want an AI that writes books for me, I want an AI that can use my FitBit data to figure out when I’ve fallen asleep listening to an audiobook and pause it so I don’t suddenly wake up in the middle of chapter 29 wondering where the hell this Steve character came from
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
This is my cat’s medicine.
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.