Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!
You Might Also Like
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers
Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
Me, reading some of your tweets
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual