WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
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oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
It’s a little known fact that tuxedo cats’ coats were not the result of selective breeding by humans, but evolved to help them thrive in their native habitat: the black tie gala. Camouflaged in their formal wear, they feed on a diet of cocktail shrimp, caviar, and canapés.
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.
(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
giddy up Office Depot
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️