wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
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What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on