wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
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The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek
…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!
– my Dad
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:
Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”
Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again