@DouchyDocLove: Wife just changed her Facebook status to "It's complicated." Better go see what she wants.
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@NewDadNotes: Man sees the first Cat Caveman: omg that sabertoothed tiger just mauled me. I'm gonna call him Mr. Bumblebottom and make him sleep with me
@ArfMeasures: [Restaurant] ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date* CHINESE WAITER: what
@Knob_ish: Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
@abbycohenwl: [marriage counseling] Wife: I just wish he wasn't so clingy Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA