@DouchyDocLove: Wife just changed her Facebook status to "It's complicated." Better go see what she wants.
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@Playing_Dad: If a pregnant friend tells you what the kid's name will be just whisper "AND THE DARK LORD'S PROPHECY WILL BE FULFILLED." They love that.
@DanMentos: "My first wife didn't have a gag reflex" Wow that's amazing "Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes"
@AimeeHelene1: *thumb wrapped in giant bandage* CW: Oh my God, what happened? Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.