[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*
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I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*
Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross
16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.
Batman: We also poop.
CG: We?
B: They. I mean they
Erm I’m gonna say no