Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
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To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*
“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.
Him: What happens if they get overheated?
Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-
Him: *whispers* hot mess.
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”
The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive