WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause
WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet
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If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
6. me as a lawyer
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”
DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out